Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cure for what ails me

I decided to take notes to document the effects of Chaser prior to, during, and after imbibing alcoholic beverages. Turns out I'm a pretty spotty journalist with beer in my hand, and most of what I wrote was not very interesting. Either way, here it is, with only the slightest editorial modifications:

So L had a brilliant idea for a reason to have 40 ounce beverages and pizza. She called it a 4-4-4-40 party. I call it a pretty fantastic caloric intake. For whatever reason, the anticipated personnel flaked out and resulted in only two test subjects. I welcome a challenge, so at the crack of 3:30pm, we started experimenting.

3:30 Two chaser tablets each prior to consuming beverages, and if the pills were any bigger I'd have had to chew them. They were approximately the size of my fist. Schlitz for me, delicious Carling Canada (aka generic Molson) for L.

L is trying to watch something like American's Next Top Model or something, so I'm going to try and bang out my taxes. This has success written all over it.

3:38 Taxes are fucking hard.
Screw this. Note to self: Don't make a tax return so complicated that 'TaxCut' won't support the forms I need to file my state returns. I'd make those states come after me for their money if I hadn't already given it to them. Plus, my old return is on the computer/TV and that's all they way in the other room, like 8 feet away.

4:28 Schiltz = nectar of the gods. Or at least nectar of 20 something losers wasting their Saturday afternoon. How this gem escaped my attention for so long, I don't know. I mean, how many times did my grandfather have to tell me about it before I listened? Something to be said for age and experience. L's brew, Carling Canada Black Label, is also very good. Turns out I have a remarkable palette for beers under 5 cents an ounce. Who knew.

5:11 King Cobra!!

5:13 Turns out King Cobra is awesome too. I hope none of these fantastic fermentations result in diarrhea. The inevitable beer farts I can live with.

5:31 I just made a salad for dinner to complement the pizza. No more knives for me!

5:33 I just tried to unscrew a cap that wasn't on the bottle. OK!

5:51 L just told me she likes me more when I'm drunk. I'm pretty sure that's not what my AA sponsor wanted her to say.

7:13 A little break for some pizza and salad, and now a decision to make. Steel Reserve
(old friend) or Busch?

Let's compare and contrast:

Steel Reserve:
-taste not a priority
-higher degree of drunkenness (comparable to degree of difficulty in less manly endeavors, like diving)
-maybe vomit

-heavenly taste

-will maintain, but not increase my drunken state
-probably no vomiting
-more womanly

It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff. Come here, old friend.

I think it's time to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Come here, old friend.

7:24 Steel Reserve is still ass-tastic. L has switched to vodka and diet Pepsi. That's one of the big reasons her career has a lot more promise than mine. It's also one of the reasons her liver has a lot more promise than mine.

Editorial sidebar: One of these days I need to test if the 'process' for making SR is just dumping crappy vodka into a normal beer. Maybe next weekend we'll do a taste test.

7:23 Second dose of Chaser, two more pills. Supposed to be every 3 hours or 3-4 drinks. Guess we're not going to be able to take the full dose if this goes on too long.

7:26 Just tried to unscrew a cap that was no longer on the bottle (2nd instance). I guess driving's out of the q
uestion now.

8:01 SR is a lot stronger than the others. Very drunk. Motor functions deteriorating (along with handwriting). Also, I'm pretty sure I'm gay now, thanks to a marathon of America's Next Top Model.

8:18 Feeling very tired. I have no idea where this came from.

8:52 What's with the 211 sign? I'll tell you:

Yep, that's about as well as I can read it at this point, too. Note to self - 9pm much too early to be this drunk, and be this old. Also note: Scrubs is awesome. Someone compile me the soundtrack. How come JD can get a crazy fast piggy back ride from Elliot, but my friend K can't take me more than two feet before blowing out her pathetic knee? I think TV might be made up.

9pm on - What follows is a very hazy fade to black. From the documented records (my retarded note sheet) it seems that we went to bed sometime around 11 pm, just before we should have taken another dose of Chaser and maybe taken shoes off before getting in bed.


Wake up surprisingly early (around 8am) which isn't all that incredible given the early bedtime. What is unusual is my minimal nausea or cottonmouth, and surprising appetite and will to live. I'm not ready to say that Chaser doesn't work - there's some kind of placebo effect going on, at least. I don't much feel like going for a run or anything, but there's noticeable improvement.

The outlier in the data set is L, who feels just as crappy as usual. Although maybe she just palmed her pills. I wasn't watching that closely.

I guess the only conclusion I can draw is that I'm not sure it doesn't work, but I'm not sure it does work. Wow, way to take a stand on the issue, huh?

I plan on taking the last two pills whenever the urge strikes next weekend, I'll have to see if just one dose is enough to stave off my inevitable hangover.

Thanks for reading.


Andy said...

Brilliant. I would think SR would throw the whole thing off -- sort of like giving heroine to the mice you're testing pain killers on.

You'll probably need to do at least 100 trials to achieve significant results.

T-Money said...

Very informative. Thank you for taking one for the team.

Sorry to hear about Top Model, and your obvious gayness :)

Sam said...

I love it when 100% of my readership comments.


T - when you going to update your blog? You must be done with school and ready to waste some time. Let Koa write it.

Andy said...

Research addendum: SR greatly enhances softball performance.

I'll carry on SR research efforts in high altitude -- may give any results achieved a better chance at generalization and perhaps publication.

Andy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andy said...

Um, yeah. So, I had a Schlitz High Gravity VSL last night. 8.5% (compare to SR's meager 8.1%), equally disgusting, slightly more intoxicating. As of yet, the smell of rotten garbage has not made its way through my bowels.

The VSL is a brilliant acronym = Very Smooth Lager. Probably worthy of a blog entry, or seven. Look forward to it. I wonder if this was one of the 40's you had to taste test for your 25th birthday?