Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Red light. Green Light. Brown Light.

Thanks to a generous subsidy from a friend for my birthday, I was able to take a trip to Chicago last week to see some baseball games and a bit of the windy city. I'm sure an anecdote or two will filter their way through my brain eventually, but for the time being, I'll give you my favorite.

My generous friend (MGF) also invited his sister (SoMGF) and brother in law (BIL). We elected to take the elevated train to the White Sox/Yankee game, and were unlucky enough to be about a mile from the hotel upon returning. Commencing on the 20 minute or so walk back, I noticed that BIL was lagging behind the group a little. Chalking it up to his previously stated animosity for public transportation, I didn't think much of it.

At one point, BIL said he'd like to hail a cab to get back to the hotel. Assuming he was just lazy, I continued on my walk, as I was down to my last $4 and couldn't justify the lavish expense of a personal chauffeur. Plus, I had my walkin' shoes on. BIL didn't have any luck hailing a cab so he crossed the street to be walking in the same direction as traffic. I believe this maneuver, along with showing colorful tailfeathers, is a common tactic used to attract a cab-mate.

After a few more blocks, MGF, SoMGF and I stopped to wait for the still lagging BIL and discuss if there were to be any postgame antics (D&D perhaps?) We noticed BIL was standing, motionless, on the sidewalk approximately 100 feet behind us. I didn't see any taxi nearby, and we weren't at the hotel or any other local attraction, so I didn't know what the deal was. Being the patient sort, I politely asked MGF and SoMGF what the f*ck BIL's problem was.

Turns out his problem was digestive in nature. He was concerned that any sudden movement could have triggered an colon-splosion so severe it would have potentially leveled Lincoln Park. Being fairly volatile myself, I could sympathize, but had never been in a situation that called for cessation of all movement. Judging from BIL's facial expression and the sheer panic of the taxi driver, I hope never to experience one. Ballpark food is good for GI tract diagnostics, not so much for long haul walking performance. After a brief consultation with SoMGF, BIL jumped in the next taxi to stop and raced the remaining quarter mile to the hotel.

All reports are the explosive situation was defused, and no innocent bystanders or hotel furniture were harmed.

Awww, come on - I haven't written in a month, you can't expect friggin' Shakespeare up in here.