an open letter

Dear fellow gym patrons:

It is me, your humble companion in fitness, writing to ask the slightest of courtesies. Whilst exerting oneself to the fullest, as I am sure you do each and every trip to the gymnasium, it is expected that you may demand of your body some cooling. I trust your body produces, as does mine, a certain amount of moisture - perspiration if you will - that evaporates and takes with it some of the excess heat from that proud pantheon of athletic achievement known as your body. This perspiration has an odor to it, partially due to the presence of uric acid, and partially due to the fact that you naturally exude an air of rotten chicken fat and fermented baby shit. While I appreciate your efforts to rid yourself of this scent through showering (a truly noble, yet ultimately fruitless effort), please do not disrobe and do any of the following:

-strut through the common locker space clad only in your crocks, with nary a towel in sight.
-sit on the carpet. actually - don't sit anywhere.
-attempt any sort of conversation or discourse with me or any other patron of the fitness club.
-engage in any sort of pre-pubescent tomfoolery such as snapping your towel at your similarly geriatric compatriots. or me, for that matter.
-groom your hair (regardless of location on your body) prior to donning, at a minimum, undergarments.

I thank you in advance for your cooperation. No, I will not pick up your soap.

is this thing on?

Hi, 'tubes.

i know, it's been awhile.

i don't know. i don't know what i've been doing. what have you been doing?

oh, that's good.

yeah, but i have this rash i don't really know how to deal with...hmm?

yeah, well. i was thinking i would try and keep in touch a little better.

i'm aware i've said that before, and the only time i really did it was after the zoo.

yes, giraffes are awesome. i'm sorry i don't have any pictures of any, too.

no i don't know why the daily show stole your joke about how the end of obama's campaign was a lot like 'brewster's millions'. that's good material though.

really? interesting.

well, i can only say i'll try. the holidays are coming up, and they're typically depressing/inspiring.

i plan to, yes.

i guess you could probably take santa in a MMA match. you're not in the same weight class though. and you also couldn't handle the resultant violent backlash of 4-8 year olds.

oh, ok. um, i'll talk to you soon?

yeah.

ok.