Wednesday, June 27, 2007

They've done it!

I apologize for the crappy cell phone picture, but this is important. While stalking the domestic section of the local grocery store beer sector, what do I spy but a 30 pack of steel reserve. Retail price: $15.49

That bargain price, packaged with the sheer quantity, requires me to do the following research:

What IS the cheapest way for me to get drunk?

Steel Reserve: 8.1% alc. by vol, 12oz can = $0.485/oz alcohol (it's still cheaper in the $5.99 12 pack. Stupid Hannaford - go to Rite Aid and get 2.5 12 packs for $14.98)

Generic gross vodka (Orloff anyone?): 40% alc, 1/2 gallon (64oz) @ $11.49 = $0.485/oz alcohol - A DEAD HEAT

Random bottle of wine: 12% alc, 750mL (25.4oz) @$2.99 (good shopping!) = $0.981 - Winos are on the wrong track.

Normal beer (beast lite?): 4.5% alc, 12oz @ $10.99 30 pack (good find) = $0.678 - but still the best tasting of the bunch.

So there you have it: super unscientific results, but the point is either you get a scuzzy bottle of booze and drink it straight, or you buy a giant pack of radness and look awesome to your friends. You make the call.

Oh, and this site just did this whole thing more thoroughly than me. Apparently they made out with a keg of beast ice or some less reputable brands of vodka. Good for them!?

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Amazing Sameltoe

Shameless self promotion. I am sure the Premiership will soon be on the phone.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

This is where I work

It's entertainment I would gladly pay for. If you don't recall from the last installment, people sometimes email everyone if they're going to tie up the plotter for awhile. Sometimes those emails get a little out of control.

From: PB
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:04 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: Plotting


Ok, fair enough, 28 drawings 30x42 drawings. Thanks for the heads up.

From: TG
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:22 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

= (-1232) correct?

That WAS a math problem wasn’t it?

No, but i see where you could make that mistake. Nice order of operations work there - you must have a calculator.

From: PK
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:28 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

I thought it was a tactical maneuver code for use in plotting the overthrow of the design professionals by the CADD commandos.....

Ahhhh, a visit from our old favorite. This gentleman starred in the last installment. By the way, this makes zero sense.

From: SG
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:30 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

It’s all a CONSPIRACY!!

A new entrant, adding nothing to the chain. Boo.

From: JK
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:31 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

You mean they are plotting to overthrow the CAD regime?


COMPANY incorporated

123 Fake St.

Fakeland, Ohio, 12345

T: (123) 456 - HUMP

And the predictable turn towards the easy pun.[for those of you now following The use of 'plot' as:

1.a secret plan or scheme to accomplish some purpose, esp. a hostile, unlawful, or evil purpose: a plot to overthrow the government.

instead of the previous meaning: draw a plan or map of, as a tract of land or a building.]

Anyway, this fellow can't go 8 seconds without making a pun, and if you let him continue for more than a minute you have a seizure. Perhaps this was a clever interjection to you, but it gave me a tic. Let's continue, shall we?

From: TG
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:33 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

Who’s the CAD ragime?

And why don’t you make your signature bigger?

A spelling error, but otherwise a valid question. And the second sentence, just a brilliant shot at the hilariously huge and slightly nauseating signature of JK. I've left the fonts and color schemes alone for your enjoyment.

From: PK
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:36 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

there's something rotten in Denmark...the font, that is.

A disappointing end to a promising exchange. I'd have to say the highpoint was the potshot at the email signature. I think if I were to have entered the fray, I would have contributed something like -

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, June 07, 2007 11:36 AM
To: CADD/Technical Staff
Subject: RE: Plotting

Sometimes, when I'm working, I want to set myself on fire. hehehe.

Depending on how long the afternoon seems, I may try this out. Free psych eval - woot.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

And it's downwhill from here

I do believe I peaked in 8th grade. I was still good at sports (relative to my age of course - I was never a little Wayne Rooney or anything), I was still good at school (meaning peers thought I knew what I was talking about), and girls were not yet repulsed by me (primarily due to vague gender cues and a general indifference to females, neither of which has really abated). Now, everyone knows I haven't any clue about what I'm talking about, even though they have no idea what I should be saying, I am routinely destroyed by knee brace wearing 115lb women on a soccer field, and I cause the sort of unease in females typically attributed to a child molester.

But I'm glad to hear things are going well for you.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Duck Dong Disease

Setting: Clyde's Pub, a Saturday evening.

I like to get to know a place when I live there, and there's really no better way to get acquainted with one's surroundings than to visit a local watering hole. Clyde's is just such a place, with emphasis on 'hole'. This particular evening I was sitting with some friends, chatting about quantum mechanics or boogers, when we overheard a wager being proffered. It was extended to a gentleman I'll call Cletus, because Cletus is a funny name, and this was a funny gentleman. Anyhoo...

The bet is that Cletus won't swim in Millcreek Pond for 5 drinks. No sooner is the bet on the table than Cletus is out of the bar and wobbling towards the pond. Millcreek Pond is not known for its cleanliness (although neither is Cletus), nor is swimming allowed or recommended. The bank slopes down, out of sight, and it's difficult to see if Cletus is swimming because it's dark and he's out of sight. He does return from his sojurn, dripping slightly, and wishes to collect his earnings. A kindly bar patron involved in the proceedings notices, however, that Cletus' legs are not wet (he is wearing shorts on this particular evening). Calling the white trash bar equivalent of shenanigans, the patron refuses to pay his end of the wager. Realizing his drinks are disappearing, Cletus seeks to remedy the situation.

Apparently, getting naked is part of his solution.

Pants are removed before he leaves the sidewalk in front of the bar, shirt soon after and underwear is gone before he's across the street. Stark naked, Cletus begins to jog toward the pond, and doesn't stop until he leaps off the bank into the pond. After a brief swim, he returns to the bar (I need reassurance from others that his clothes have returned to their places on his body before I remove my hands from my eyes - one glimpse at his pale asscheeks glinting in the moonlight was plenty for me, thanks) to collect his ransom. This time, there is little doubt that he has in fact been in the water. There is however, still an issue with the barkeep. She refuses to give Cletus his drink (she wagered one drink) because he was supposed to keep his clothes on.

Fortunately for everyone, Cletus consoles himself with his other 4 drinks (likely numbers 47-50 for the night) and the selection of 80s power ballads on the jukebox.

At this point, Cletus' friend returns from parts unknown, and asks why he's all wet. Finding out that Cletus had an impromptu Olympic swimming tryout, the friend expresses his concern over Cletus' health. "Dude. You've got that duck dong disease. That shit's worse than an STD. You're going to have to go to either Biddeford or Portland to get treated." I have stopped wondering how the specifics of duck dong disease (a google search came up empty - perhaps it's swimmer's itch have become so familiar to this gentleman, but I know I'm not alone in appreciating the fact that Cletus has friends like that looking out for him.