Thursday, March 13, 2008

Pls read before dinner k thx

I have itchy feet. My feet have itched, in fact, for close to a year. Being the responsible adult that I am, I promptly saw a doctor about the condition. Last week. For a fun exercise, let's go through what I expected the consultation to go like, and how it actually happened.

EXPECTED
-Go to doctor's office
-Be examined within 20 minutes of appointment time
-Get examined by doctor.

-Treated with some modicum of respect/restraint
-Get prescription lotion or balm of some sort.

ACTUALITY
-Go to weird house converted to office
-Get examined 45 minutes after 'appointment'
-Be examined by nurse with skin fetish.
-Have photos taken of feet by aforementioned nurse.
-Get prescription, and BONUS biopsy both feet.

Some details, if you're interested:

-Nurse had new Treo, or some smartphoney looking thing. She sort-of-in-passing asked if she could take pictures, all the while oohing and ahhing about 'what a fantastic contact rash this is' as if my feet were an adorable newborn. They are not.


-The last photo was so disturbing to the electronic device that it froze the phone. The photo stayed on the screen, not moving, and the phone remained unresponsive. If I'd thought this was some sort of punishment for the nurse it would have been appropos, but instead I think she might have just snuck off to post it on some rash messageboard somewhere. VIOLATION.


-Why would you biopsy my rash? Is it just because you biopsied the guy next door (aside - the walls were paper thin. I could hear the goings-on of this procedure on the patient next door. It is a little unnerving when the nurse asks the patient if they're on blood thinners after the biopsy. Even more so when she asks me at the same point during my procedure. HI, YOU'RE BAD AT YOUR JOB. STOP MAKING PEOPLE BLEED LOTS.) I'm pretty sure the little cores taken from my feet were sold on some weird foot-black market e-ped or something. Hope they fetched a good sum.

-The nurse suggested I could have 'a friend' take my stitches out, and that really the only precaution I should take is to 'make sure everything's sterile'. Neat-O Home Suture Removal Kit - in stores now! ha, no, just use tweezers and little scissors, along with a fifth of vodka for your friend to 'sterilize their liver/ steady their hands'.


Photos to disturb you:Lefty



Righty

Thanks for reading. I am available for children's birthday parties and also for 'scared straight into foot hygiene' sessions at local high schools.

6 comments:

Andy said...

Despite what you may have heard, Lepper colonies are actually quite desirable. I heard they even have Lepper post offices, grocery stores, and bars. Lucky you!

Sam said...

You're the wind beneath my leprous wings, Andypants.

T-Money said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
T-Money said...

Amazingly enough, I recenty procured some foot rash skin core samples from buyfreakishlynastythings.com. They looked a little familiar, so I called them Samsonito I and Samsonito 2. Kind of an odd coincidence if you ask me.

PS- Let me know when you need me to come up and remove those keen looking stitches, I'll bring my quilting scissors!

Sam said...

where'd the deleted comment go? it's akin to having a child abducted.

where oh where are you, little comment? i'll not make you a chimney sweep if only you'll come home.

T-Money said...

sorry about the deleted comment. I didn't realize that it would show up as deleted, I thought that you would never even know about it! Now it looks like I said something terrible and had to pull back. In all actuality, it was the same as the comment I finally posted, minus the careless typo that I noticed after it was too late. Sorry to bring back those child abduction memories, that was not my intention. Kisses for you Samson!