Friday, February 12, 2010

They don't delete these. Ever, apparently.

There are times in a person's life where their priorities change, or their motivation, or maybe the raging fire in their soul smolders for a bit. But then something happens to restore the passion, the zeal, the joie de vivre.

If you'll pardon the hubris, I believe I've come to one of these points in my very own life, and with my very own (sorely neglected) blog. I'd like to credit some people with perhaps jump-starting my passion.

And for your reading pleasure, I'd like to present, in two Acts, a recreation of a common and fantastic occurrence.

The Drunk Dial

Act I

Amanda H: It says leave a message. Saaaaaaaaaaam. Thomas.
Andy J: [background]Sam!
AH:This is Amanda.
AJ: [bg, yelling] Hey Sam! Manderpants.
AH: Mandapants.Eeeewayyaarr. Um, we're in Austin, have you ever been here before?
AJ: Ask him if he knows what we're doing here. [sirens in background]
AH:Motion City Soundtrack.
AH: Bitches.
AJ: He likes them.
AH:You like them. A lot.
AJ: A lot.
AH: Eeem a lot. And, um, we're here with my friends. They're my best friends in the whole world, and I think you would like them SO much and I miss you and I wish you were here and I was thinking what a vacation would be like with youuu guys,, and all, all them, and.......I think my friend Melissa wants to say hello.
AJ: Tell him you heard about his blog.
Melissa:[terrible southern accent] What the Sam Hell do you want? [accent lessening]I heard you have a blog. I hear...
AJ: [bg] Tell him to write more.
M: I heard it's awesome, and you need to write on it more, and that was apparently said to me from...
AJ: [bg] Tell him you read it, you love it so much that you demand more.
M: Excuse me, I read it, I want it, I need some more, it's like...
AH: [bg] you need it, give it to me...
AJ:[bg] [unintelligible]
M: I heard you burping. Apparently it makes my face droop. I don't know, all I know is that if I don't get it, I might...I might do something horrible. And if I do something horrible, I'm going to call you, and I'm going to sue you, and you'll be poor, and really...
AH: a really poor person
M: ...than a man....on Sunday....who's homeless...and...
AJ: a male whore with no penis.
M: doesn't have a blowjob, doesn't have a penis, who thinks to himself, "why am I here?" and his girlfriend says, "I don't know, I fuckin' hate you", and you're like "please, please come back to me" you're like "I I I fucking I fucking hate you so much, I talked to my girlfriends..." and you're like ", what?" and these mistakes, and you argue with her, and it's a futile effort on your behalf, but you still give it the college try, and, please don't let that happen.
[various mumbles]
M: ...Austin...
[close Act I]

Act II

AJ: Hi Sam, I guess we're finished recording, and at this point, we could press one for more options? but instead, instead what we're going to do is just keep talking, because we have... a lot of important things to say.
AH: I wanna talk
AJ: So first, uh, I'd like to say I miss you.
AH: awwww
AJ: Yeah, I do.
AH:[bg] I wanna talk to Sam.
AJ: And uh, here are the rest of the important things. Bye.
AH: Samuel L Jackson. Samuel Adams.
M: what happened to the music?
AH:We met some Mormons.
M: It's like we weren't at the party at all...
AH: We got kicked out of the bar, it was a great concert, Andy was at the front, I was getting my internal organs squeezed out, like crazy, and then we got kicked out of the bar.
M:ahhhhh don't do that....
AH: then we met some Mormons, then we went to a bar called Marksalona...
M: [u]Bar[/u]celona.
AH:...where we did some dirty, dirty, dirty dancing. it was super duper. Girl told me tonight, she was like "ohhhhh hi, it's so super to meet you" do you remember that? hmmm yes, you're cute [i think this part wasn't to me]. here's, here's the rest of the story. And now, the rest of the story:
M: oh Sam, I, where do I even start, I mean seriously...So we were (clears throat) pardon me, we were downtown, and there was craziness goin' on, and...we met some people. And...Mor...Mormons. And they said, "uh, well" like they were really wanting to take us under their let them, and we walked around downtown with them, and they took us under their wing, and did things to us - just a little - but not too much, not too much - really, just really minorly. And so, we walked around downtown with them, and then...we...found...our...[whispers] we found a man...and we got in the cab, with the - we had sex - on the street...
AH: [bg]Girl sex though, not boy sex.
M: There's a lot of micromanaging going on in this conversation, I'm not going to lie. Apparently there was sex that happens, before we got in the cab, and then when we got in the cab, you, you don't know why we called, do you? you don't, do you? you're like why do i answer the fucking phone?. You're probably like asleep, with your wife, who, I hear, is super sexy. Good for you, by the way. Kudoooooos.
AH: [bg] J-double O-S-E jewwwwws...
AJ: [bg] Ask him if he remembers the time we drank the Joose
M: Do you hear that? Do you? Oh, I got a beep-beep-beep.
AJ: ohhhhhhhhhhhh
AH:owwwwwwww owww. Who's calling? Let me see, that's probably what it is.
[fumbling with phone]who is it?
AH: Hello?
M: Hello?
AJ: Hello? Hello?



Trina said...

This is soooo fantastic Samson! I can see why you were inspired to blog again. And bravo to your actors, well played.

Andy said...

Life is immeasurably better.

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