Wednesday, February 4, 2009

That spelling is wrong.

Hi! It's me. I've come bearing terrific news. Remember, yesterday, when you were sitting at your desk wishing you could have an approximately 10% alcohol drink without anyone noticing? Well, look:

Mmm.

Joose is the answer to your prayers, if you were praying for an alcoholic energy drink that tastes like it was made by the 13 year old who raided your liquor cabinet in the dark. I think, if you mix equal parts vodka, saliva, and tang, you'd get something similar to this beverage. I don't know where the energy parts come from, and I'm ok with that particular gap in my intellect.

Having said that, this crap isn't that awful. I mean, sure, it looks like your u
rine if you consumed nothing but carrot smoothies for 4 months straight, and smells like weirdly fermented fruit, but it's not that bad. Considering its alcohol content, you could do worse. Like drinking a meth addict's piss.
Extreme, right?


For whatever reason, I drank the enormous can (apparently it's 23.5 ounces - odd) in 20 minutes, and was then later confused that my motor skills were impaired because the caffeine content made me confuse sobriety with alertness. I crossed a lot of things off my to-do list whilst under the influence, and then put them back on the next day when I decided that eating all my clothes didn't really solve the problem of them being dirty.


From the person who voluntarily drinks things like Steel Reserve and Hurricane, I thought this tasted a little better. It was sweet which was a change from the taste of disappointment and loneliness I usually get while drinking hi-al beverages, and it's easy to feed to children due to its coloration. I'll have to sample the market a little more, but this gets a tentative thumbs up.

It also cures cancer, but then gives you another, more lethal kind. So, again, kind of a wash.

Seriously: urine, or energy/drunkey beverage? You make the call.

fake edit: I tried a SPARKS tonight, and it wasn't as tasty, nor as alcoholic, as the JOOSE. So, there you go. Both have a very strange orange color (to the point where they might be perfect duplicates and I'm just a loser who can't tell the difference) and a weird citrus-ey taste. Either beverage is guaranteed by the manufacturer to get any 8 year old drunk. So, if you've a misbehaving 'tween - hook 'em up. It's like an awesome sedative without the tired. So, mostly, you'll get a 12 year old in exchange who is willing to drag christmas decorations the 4.2 miles to your storage unit without cajoling or benefit of an automobile. Enjoy!
Don't dare judge my nutritional choices.

3 comments:

Andy said...

Oh. My. God. I peed my pants three times reading this entry. Did you know Miller "voluntarily" ceased production of Sparks? A travesty. Happy to know there's a suitable alternative.

I'm convinced that my irrational longing for your presence is the source of my alcoholism. Or at least the reason I drink 14.3 cans of SR per week.

Andy said...

I kinda feel like this post should've made you into an overnight Internet sensation type -- sort of like that dancing baby awhile back. Ugaa chaka ugga ugga ugga chaka.

Andy said...

It has officially been one year since your last entry. There must be a million dying to escape from your brilliant gourd.